Shamanism

I know I have briefly mentioned this here before in the past, but now is the time to share more about my journey. The journey to shamanism was quite a winding path. I have always been spiritually passionate, (I am a Scorpio that's inescapable for us. ;) When I was young I was raised in the Missouri Synod Lutheran church. Not a very progressive church to say the least. When I was involved in a youth organization in the church we were to do the service on youth Sunday. They were looking for a volunteer to read the lessons. I volunteered and they kept passing me over. Finally when I asked why I couldn't participate I was told girls weren't allowed. When I approached the pastor later and asked why not, he said, "because women aren't of god, their only route to god is through a man. OMG! If I had been big enough I would have punched him. I was horrified and completely turned off. I still had thoughts and questions, but I wasn't about to express them.
When I got engaged my fiance was catholic, and I wanted to understand his religion, so I took the RCIA classes. I studied right alongside everyone. I have to say I was not popular. I asked questions that were frowned upon. The priest actually yelled at me out of frustration. When it all came to a conclusion they assumed I would be participating in the baptism. I informed them I had done it simply as an opportunity to learn. Once again a not so popular decision. I attended mass with my husband, but it was simply an obligation. The was little to no spiritual stimulation. When we divorced I never went back. As a matter of fact they only contacted me to send me a form for an annulment. I don't begrudge him the release, but really? We got married, whether they want to acknowledge it or not.
When I left I did a lot of soul searching. I knew deep down that there was a hunger, a hunger for a connection, a connection with something bigger than me. There was a space in my soul that had never been filled. I knew it was time to look deeper into that. I tried to start with what was familiar, I went to a Lutheran church. This time a less conservative one, but Lutheran none the less.
It didn't take long to discover that I was no longer a Christian. Under scrutiny it just didn't hold up for me. I needed a deeper connection to the earth. The cycles of nature spoke to me, they made sense. I also found myself rebelling against everything I had thought as a child. I think some part of me believed that if my childhood beliefs weren't true then maybe the opposite was true. I spent a good 7 years exploring Dianic belief systems. From this side I see how much of this was reaction. Reaction to the fact that the feminine hadn't been honored in my initial upbringing. But obviously this system is just as out of balance as the opposite. I had a lot of fun, but to stay there would have been just as damaging as the other.
From there I studied Native American beliefs, Huna, Hinduism, Sikh, Buddhism and Judaism. I found myself looking for the common threads that run through all of the belief systems that I have studied. Whether you call it meditation or prayer time focused on quieting your mind and heart are recommended in all of them. The Golden Rule is another, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. As you can see it's a good way to live regardless of your religion/atheism/agnosticism. The other common thread I have found is to live your beliefs through your actions every day. Many of us have beliefs that we leave on the nightstand every morning when we leave the house. This is one of my impetus to study shamanism.
One of the things that struck me deeply in my travels around the world is the number of people in other cultures that live their beliefs every moment of every day. Spiritual practice is first nature to them. I don't care what your beliefs are (as long as you aren't intentionally hurting yourself or others) if you are truly living them I admire that. In India you can't get in a taxi without there being a personal altar with incense lit. In Thailand it's simply a part of daily life to stop at the temple to meditate. I was struck by this and it became my goal to integrate my life in this way.
A shaman is a person who lives this dedicated life, who walks between the worlds through this dedicated connection. They listen to their soul through their constant spiritual practice. They value the process sometimes to the exclusion of the destination. The tradition I am studying is called the Patchakuti Mesa Tradition. It is a cross cultural form of shamanism. You can integrate your beliefs because there is very little dogma. It is primarily about the process. The process of connecting, observing and acting.
If you have ever read any of Tom Brown Jr's books you will recognize this as the "active meditation" that Grandfather speaks of. (If you haven't, I recommend you do.) At one point Grandfather stands up from the fire and says someone needs him. The boys ask how he could possibly know this. His response is that if we are all connected how could he not know? I do believe we are all connected, we are all part of a whole. I believe that connection supersedes all thought of separation. I think that is our primary wound, the wound that we all strive to overcome. From birth we create this thought of separation and aloneness. We think that because we all live inside these skins, that we aren't connected. My prayer for my path is to overcome that thought in myself and all those I come into contact with every day in every way.

Redlight

Just last week I had a conversation with a client about the international sex trade. It started with a conversation about my trip to Thailand. She was talking about wanting to go some day. I told her about the many things I enjoyed. Thailand is so beautiful. I loved the beaches and water, but my favorite place was Chang Mai. I stayed in a beautiful garden cottage just across from one of the gates to the city back when it was the capitol and was walled for safety. I loved the elephants. They are so amazing and wise.
She asked about my experience of Bangkok. I found it to be a bit intense. I enjoyed walking the city, but that was pretty much all I enjoyed about it. The first morning in Bangkok I got into a tuk tuk to start my exploration. Immediately the driver asked to take me to Patpong. Patpong is the sex trade entertainment area of Bangkok. The sex trade is incredibly lucrative in Bangkok. People come from all over the world to patronize the shows, clubs and prostitutes of Patpong. I could never participate in this exploitation.
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I am horrified at the thought of what these people endure. If you look at people's icons you can see what they value. In Thai society the androgynous look is the most valued. If you have ever seen a Thai Buddha you can see this. I have a large one in my healing room and people constantly confuse it. But I digress, when the androgynous look is the ultimate prize you have to consider who has this appearance. Of course the younger a person is the more androgynous their appearance. This leads to young boys and young girls being exploited.
This evening I am sitting here watching the Lucy Lui documentary on child sex trafficking in Cambodia. www.redlightthemovie.com It is incredibly similar to the experience in Thailand except Bangkok appears to have a more international clientele. Many of these families are so destitute that they choose a child to go work in a major city in the sex industry. This child must sacrifice their body, mind and spirit in order for their family to survive. One child was sold to "pay for Grandma's HIV medicine." Upon returning home the first time since being rescued from a brothel she told her mom how they repeatedly sewed her hymen back together in order to get a higher price for her virginity over and over again. After hearing this her mother said that still she would sell her other daughter if they came and offered money once again.
We tend to think this only affects other people in other countries, other cultures. I was shocked when just over a year ago a "massage parlor" in Overland Park was raided and shut down because they had sex slaves forced to live and work there. Sex slaves, human trafficking, slavery in our own back yard.
What do we do? How do we protect these people? How do we refrain from supporting those who participate in human trafficking?
Several statements were made during this documentary. Lucy said that it all starts with demand. Another gentleman said that the culture of "I want sex, I have a right to receive it however I want it." I am definitely in agreement with Lucy's statement, that is simple economics. The second statement impacts life on so many different levels. It raises so many questions. How do we answer all of these questions?
We should always protect our most precious gifts. These gifts are our children. How will we teach them to protect the world and their children? How will we teach them to be more compassionate and understanding if we subject them to violence and rage? How can I make a difference? Here are just a few ideas. http://www.redlightthemovie.com/action.html

Morning Pages

Julia Cameron wrote a beautiful book titled The Artists Way. In it one of the primary things she teaches is Morning Pages. Morning Pages serve many purposes. They clear your mind, heal your heart, bring awareness to things that are effecting you that you may not have been aware of. These are just a few of the reasons to do Morning Pages.
I am starting up once again. My Morning Pages have been pretty inconsistent, more off than on. So here we go...
I woke up incredibly late this morning. I can't tell you the last time I slept this late. I went to bed around 1, I know that's late, but I was caught up in a movie. Usually I am awake around 7, I woke up briefly around 7:45 and talked to my friend Jo. Back to sleep and up at 10:40! I haven't been in bed past 9 am in forever.
Yesterday I went to Becky's house for some ceremony. She did a karmic and genetic clearing on me. It was fascinating. We worked on my issue of not feeling worthy, good enough, smart enough or capable. I know that these are some of my greatest fears. I overcompensate by behaving like a two year old. I do it myself!
As we worked through this process I was shocked to find out that many of the time lines were associated with times that we moved. I had no idea that being a military kid had influenced my self worth so much. I truly thought I had enjoyed growing up all over the world. I didn't associate anything negative with it. But it does make sense when you take a look at it. My mom was 23, had a 2 & 3 year old, was pregnant with me when and found out her husband was going to Vietnam. That's enough to make you wonder if you are good enough to make it. Strong enough to survive. What if he doesn't come back? That had to be terrifying to be her. That had to influence our home. I was just 6 weeks old when they packed up everything, moved my mom and us kids to southern Missouri to be near her parents while my dad was gone. They made such little money, even with combat pay, that we qualified for food stamps. That alone would put you in survival mode.
My mom was valiant. I don't remember her once complaining that my dad wasn't around. By the time I was 9, my dad had lived with me approximately 2 years. 2 YEARS!!! Apparently when I was about 2 and my dad had come back from Vietnam my mom would tell me to go get my daddy and I would go to the stereo (yes the old fashioned console stereo) and get his picture. That has to hurt everyone's feelings.
We moved to Belgium in 1976 and this was the first time we lived together for years at a time since I was born. I remember being excited and a bit resentful. We had developed our own routine without my dad. He came along and changed it all. We had some serious conflicts. Yet I loved him completely, he's my daddy.
My mom and dad are still married. They have been married for almost 50 years now. I have no idea how they survived all those years apart. I don't know that I would have the strength and fortitude to survive that in my life. I appreciate their commitment to their marriage. One of my favorite memories from my childhood was when my dad would come home from work. My mom would wait for him at the top of the stairs. We were not allowed to approach. He would reach her and they would embrace, kiss, whisper in each others ears. When that embrace was broken, only then could we come running and jumping, laughing and climbing on my dad. As an adult I think about those moments. The way they always made each other a priority. The space they created for themselves. I want to be loved like that.

Old Friends

So I am reminded once again that it is important for me to write something every day. I know it has been forevverr, and I never even finished writing about Stone Dance. I apologize for my negligence.
I had an amazing experience the other night.
I woke up Thursday morning to 2 emails from an old friend. I met Dereck about 14 years ago. We met through mutual friends. I spent a lot of time with Dereck for about 5 years. Dinners on Sundays and Wednesday. He saw me through a marriage and a divorce. He held me a couple of times when my heart ached. We had many spiritual beliefs and practices in common. He was even my friend through my one and only girlfriend. He is a large quiet presence in my life.
When I moved away from my hometown 9 years ago we stopped spending time together. We were never phone people, so that was out as well.
I ran into him once about 7 years ago when I was back home for a visit. I went to the office of my best friend and saw him there. They worked for the same company for years, yet in all that time I only saw him once.
I woke up to an email saying he would be in town for a performance that night. The second email gave me his current cell number. Would I be able to make the show? Now, I have to say that I have become a bit of a late night curmudgeon. I used to stay up for days, do anything to have time with friends and never look at a clock.
What is it about turning 40? So much has changed. I now never know what awaits me around the corner. Am I going to wake up at 4 am? Will my period bring about new and disturbing symptoms? How about my new experience of acne? When I was a teenager, I almost never had a zit. Now that I am in my 40's, I woke up last week to 5 new huge zits on my chin. Overnight! Just like that! What the hell?
But I digress... I decided that I could meet Dereck before his show. I hopped in my car at 9 pm, drove the short distance to the bar they were about to play. I hwas just about to pay the doorman when Dereck walked over to greet me. We stepped outside where it wasn't so loud. He looked the same only better than when I first met him. Maybe better than isn't the right terminology. I guess I would say he looked more himself than I have ever seen him.
In the years we have been apart we both have done a lot of work to be more of ourselves. When he first saw me he said. "Phoenix, you look so clear. Like a translucent angel." I reminded him that I was in my 20's when he met me. Part of the growth is aging, part of it is the work I have done. This is one of the gifts of my 40's. I don't wait for things to happen, I get out and do them. I enjoy the moment. I have no thought for what others think of me. I live freely while taking care of others. I have also been apprenticing in Peruvian Shamanism (the Pachakuti Mesa tradition) for the last year. It hasn't always been easy, but it has definitely been worthwhile. My 40's may have lots of troubling surprises, but I wouldn't trade those for the upside any day.
In talking with Dereck about our recent journeys we both talked about the need to write. We agreed to be accountable to each other and make sure we are both getting our homework done.
So Dereck, this writing is for you. Thank you for coming back into my world.

The Stone Dance Experience Part 1

I arrived Friday afternoon in the beating heat. I knew no one when I got there. I was truly on my own. It is a beautiful place. I am surprised that I have lived nine years in Kansas City and never heard of Tall Oaks. I am so glad that I have been there and can now go back any time.
My sponsor was running late, so off I went by myself to pick my place in the circle. I chose the west, just to the south of the cardinal direction. The cardinal directions are left open with no dancers, beautiful altars reside there instead. I chose the west because it is the element of water, to balance my usual experience as fire. (The west is also the place of the heyokha. The contrarian, jester or coyote energy.)
Then we were off to gather the large tree for the center of the medicine wheel. It was a beautiful tree just above a gorgeous piece of natural red granite. Everyone had an opportunity to help with the axe, I asked my inner guidance, and I was simply meant to observe and pray. It was an intense experience. And watching that great tree fall was heartbreaking. We brought it back to the medicine wheel, tied our prayer flags into it, took out the tree from last year, and brought it up to it full height in the very center of the wheel.
When this was complete it was time to gather our own sapling. Each dancer has their own sapling at their spoke of the wheel. Your prayer ties (we each had to tie 405 prayer ties) go from your own sapling to the center tree. I had tied my ties with jute. Big mistake! It tears your hands up. Mine are still peeling from the experience. Next time I know better and I also know to tie them closer together. Mine went around my sapling 100 times over and then to the big tree, back and then around my tree some more.
I was ready to go get my sapling, but my sponsor was not yet there. I had no saw, no axe, nada. I sure as heck wasn't going to gnaw the thing down.

This is why I didn't think it was a good idea.

I mentioned the other day that I didn't know if it was a good idea to talk about my boyfriend. I was hesitant. It seemed like I might have to explain when they come and go. I am 42 years old and still looking for my life partner. I have dated more men than anyone should ever have to count. I have been married and divorced. I have lived with a couple of men. I have dated short, tall, fat, skinny, brown, white, black, religious, atheist, monogamous, polyamorous, serious and immature men. A few years back when I went through my first experiences of online dating. Everyone thought I should write a book. It was hilarious what happened. And let me tell you I did some serious sorting to get to the men that I agreed to go out with.
So now here I am once again looking at the precipice that is singledom. First of all, obviously I should never have agreed not to see other people. Once I did, everything went down hill. Three days after I agree not to see anyone else I said, "you have treated me better than any man ever has before." It was true. He was loving, thoughtful, and a true southern gentlemen. I hadn't experienced this in the past. I like that feminine feeling. (Believe me, it's not one I get all that often.) He was in heaven. He told me he was going to go to the hardware store, get me a big metal bar, and mount it about 15 feet above my head. Because that is where the bar should be set for me.
Well, that was our last date. I think I am a pretty good person. I have some good life experience that tells me how to treat people. I am kind most of the time. I am helpful and loving. I have a more than a few friends that will tell you I have a good open heart. So why I am I creating this experience once again? I tell you I never thought I would be 42 and here.
I am truly ready to release any negative belief system I have, and fall head over heels, get butterflies, be giddy when he calls, and anxiously await his arrival.
I have written the lists, I have cleared my past ties, I have prayed, and danced, I have fasted and I have opened, I have put myself out there, I have gone years without dating or having sex to clear myself of any neediness, I have shaved my head to let go of my ego. I simply can't think of one reason why I am not married to the love of my life.
Men fall in love with me frequently. They like my physical being, they like that I am funny and positive. For some reason it cannot be sustained.
What a long strange trip it's been...

Wow, so that's what that is!

Stone Dance is done, what an amazing gift. I went into this totally blind. I had never attended this ceremony, never even heard about it until a few months ago. I had idea what to expect.
I left here Friday afternoon with the bf, (he was incredibly supportive, btw) and my biggest fear was that I would not be able to make it through. We unloaded my stuff, and my sponsor was not there. I got back in the truck for a moment to say good-bye and I started to cry. I was a bit overwhelmed. I was in a strange situation with no one I knew very well. I was alone and about to embark on a big journey, and I was going the road alone.
He said to me, "you don't have to do this, I will get your stuff and take you home right now." I was shocked, I never thought of not doing it. I said, "I'm having a moment of fear not doubt." I kissed him good-bye and I was off on my grand new adventure.
It was amazing, it was lovely and everything happened exactly as it should. Not as I expected, but as it should.
Tell you more later.