The Stone Dance Experience Part 1

I arrived Friday afternoon in the beating heat. I knew no one when I got there. I was truly on my own. It is a beautiful place. I am surprised that I have lived nine years in Kansas City and never heard of Tall Oaks. I am so glad that I have been there and can now go back any time.
My sponsor was running late, so off I went by myself to pick my place in the circle. I chose the west, just to the south of the cardinal direction. The cardinal directions are left open with no dancers, beautiful altars reside there instead. I chose the west because it is the element of water, to balance my usual experience as fire. (The west is also the place of the heyokha. The contrarian, jester or coyote energy.)
Then we were off to gather the large tree for the center of the medicine wheel. It was a beautiful tree just above a gorgeous piece of natural red granite. Everyone had an opportunity to help with the axe, I asked my inner guidance, and I was simply meant to observe and pray. It was an intense experience. And watching that great tree fall was heartbreaking. We brought it back to the medicine wheel, tied our prayer flags into it, took out the tree from last year, and brought it up to it full height in the very center of the wheel.
When this was complete it was time to gather our own sapling. Each dancer has their own sapling at their spoke of the wheel. Your prayer ties (we each had to tie 405 prayer ties) go from your own sapling to the center tree. I had tied my ties with jute. Big mistake! It tears your hands up. Mine are still peeling from the experience. Next time I know better and I also know to tie them closer together. Mine went around my sapling 100 times over and then to the big tree, back and then around my tree some more.
I was ready to go get my sapling, but my sponsor was not yet there. I had no saw, no axe, nada. I sure as heck wasn't going to gnaw the thing down.

This is why I didn't think it was a good idea.

I mentioned the other day that I didn't know if it was a good idea to talk about my boyfriend. I was hesitant. It seemed like I might have to explain when they come and go. I am 42 years old and still looking for my life partner. I have dated more men than anyone should ever have to count. I have been married and divorced. I have lived with a couple of men. I have dated short, tall, fat, skinny, brown, white, black, religious, atheist, monogamous, polyamorous, serious and immature men. A few years back when I went through my first experiences of online dating. Everyone thought I should write a book. It was hilarious what happened. And let me tell you I did some serious sorting to get to the men that I agreed to go out with.
So now here I am once again looking at the precipice that is singledom. First of all, obviously I should never have agreed not to see other people. Once I did, everything went down hill. Three days after I agree not to see anyone else I said, "you have treated me better than any man ever has before." It was true. He was loving, thoughtful, and a true southern gentlemen. I hadn't experienced this in the past. I like that feminine feeling. (Believe me, it's not one I get all that often.) He was in heaven. He told me he was going to go to the hardware store, get me a big metal bar, and mount it about 15 feet above my head. Because that is where the bar should be set for me.
Well, that was our last date. I think I am a pretty good person. I have some good life experience that tells me how to treat people. I am kind most of the time. I am helpful and loving. I have a more than a few friends that will tell you I have a good open heart. So why I am I creating this experience once again? I tell you I never thought I would be 42 and here.
I am truly ready to release any negative belief system I have, and fall head over heels, get butterflies, be giddy when he calls, and anxiously await his arrival.
I have written the lists, I have cleared my past ties, I have prayed, and danced, I have fasted and I have opened, I have put myself out there, I have gone years without dating or having sex to clear myself of any neediness, I have shaved my head to let go of my ego. I simply can't think of one reason why I am not married to the love of my life.
Men fall in love with me frequently. They like my physical being, they like that I am funny and positive. For some reason it cannot be sustained.
What a long strange trip it's been...