Morning Pages

Julia Cameron wrote a beautiful book titled The Artists Way. In it one of the primary things she teaches is Morning Pages. Morning Pages serve many purposes. They clear your mind, heal your heart, bring awareness to things that are effecting you that you may not have been aware of. These are just a few of the reasons to do Morning Pages.
I am starting up once again. My Morning Pages have been pretty inconsistent, more off than on. So here we go...
I woke up incredibly late this morning. I can't tell you the last time I slept this late. I went to bed around 1, I know that's late, but I was caught up in a movie. Usually I am awake around 7, I woke up briefly around 7:45 and talked to my friend Jo. Back to sleep and up at 10:40! I haven't been in bed past 9 am in forever.
Yesterday I went to Becky's house for some ceremony. She did a karmic and genetic clearing on me. It was fascinating. We worked on my issue of not feeling worthy, good enough, smart enough or capable. I know that these are some of my greatest fears. I overcompensate by behaving like a two year old. I do it myself!
As we worked through this process I was shocked to find out that many of the time lines were associated with times that we moved. I had no idea that being a military kid had influenced my self worth so much. I truly thought I had enjoyed growing up all over the world. I didn't associate anything negative with it. But it does make sense when you take a look at it. My mom was 23, had a 2 & 3 year old, was pregnant with me when and found out her husband was going to Vietnam. That's enough to make you wonder if you are good enough to make it. Strong enough to survive. What if he doesn't come back? That had to be terrifying to be her. That had to influence our home. I was just 6 weeks old when they packed up everything, moved my mom and us kids to southern Missouri to be near her parents while my dad was gone. They made such little money, even with combat pay, that we qualified for food stamps. That alone would put you in survival mode.
My mom was valiant. I don't remember her once complaining that my dad wasn't around. By the time I was 9, my dad had lived with me approximately 2 years. 2 YEARS!!! Apparently when I was about 2 and my dad had come back from Vietnam my mom would tell me to go get my daddy and I would go to the stereo (yes the old fashioned console stereo) and get his picture. That has to hurt everyone's feelings.
We moved to Belgium in 1976 and this was the first time we lived together for years at a time since I was born. I remember being excited and a bit resentful. We had developed our own routine without my dad. He came along and changed it all. We had some serious conflicts. Yet I loved him completely, he's my daddy.
My mom and dad are still married. They have been married for almost 50 years now. I have no idea how they survived all those years apart. I don't know that I would have the strength and fortitude to survive that in my life. I appreciate their commitment to their marriage. One of my favorite memories from my childhood was when my dad would come home from work. My mom would wait for him at the top of the stairs. We were not allowed to approach. He would reach her and they would embrace, kiss, whisper in each others ears. When that embrace was broken, only then could we come running and jumping, laughing and climbing on my dad. As an adult I think about those moments. The way they always made each other a priority. The space they created for themselves. I want to be loved like that.